A Star-Filled Sky
I’ve told you the stories
I’ve told you the stories, how our oldest couldn’t renew his visa, how our boys left home, how we followed not long after. How our life was turned upside-down.
I’ve told of the sadness of saying good-bye. Of the weight of grief that followed.
I’ve told you of being reunited with our boys, after months apart, and saying good-bye again. And the question of how, when I hold so much love in my heart for my boys, I can live a life so removed from them.
Then, as Christmas approached and the opportunity came to be together, new life sprung up within me.
I pulled the plans together.
We had a wonderful Christmas.
It flew by too fast.
We’re apart again.
And now it seems everyone else is diving into the New Year, full steam ahead, but to me the sun has gone down on one day, one long and special season, and I’m not ready for it to rise again.
So I press pause on time. I press into the dark of the night. I need to. I’ve said good-bye to my boys and I can’t just get up and go on.
A different good-bye
They both left our nest over a year ago, but being together again made it feel like they were never gone. And this good-bye was different. The focus was our second son. This was his time, his move. His decision to go forward.
His plane ticket.
Last time, he followed his brother. This time he set off on his own. Last time he crossed the Pacific, this time the Atlantic.
‘Tern’
Ink Drawing, 8×10 inches
For Sale $300 Canadian Dollars, $225 USD
shipping included
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And I’m so happy for him. The excitement that stirs inside of me, for him, as he strikes out into the world to make new friends and discover his passions far outweighs every feeling I have for myself. But still, I must reconcile this change. I must come to terms with my new life.
His Own Adventure
Starting slowly
So I’m starting the New Year slowly. I’m not leaping in. I’m pausing – I’m not looking forward – I’m turning my head from one side to the other. I feel two gaps where two small boys used to huddle in close, one on each side, and I know my life will never be the same again.
I miss my boys. I feel the weight of the sadness, the grief. But night holds more than darkness, I know. I peer out my window and fix my eyes on the promise of a star-filled sky.
I pull out my pen and I draw.
It’s simple, in black and white, because I need to make this easy for myself. I need to find the strength to lift this weight, to infuse it with life.
Instead of looking forward, to the future, I pause for a bit and look back.
The slow motion of laying down one line of ink after another creates this pause for me. I pause to reflect, to remember all the good, to create.
And line by line, drawing by drawing, the sun begins to rise again.
I awake, not to the sound of my boys joking around, their laughter filling our home, a sound I deeply miss, but to the joy of seeing a drawing I have made, the feeling of success after rising to a challenge, the beauty of pouring my experiences, my emotions, into my art, the connection I feel with life.
The darkness of night is fading fast. Morning comes.
“Good-bye”
Ink Drawing, approx. 5×8 inches
For Sale $200 Canadian Dollars, $150 USD
shipping included
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Thank you, my wonderful readers and friends, for spending time with me by reading this post. Can you relate in any way?
If so, I hope you’ll share in the comments below and share this story with a friend.
Your goodbye drawing is poignant and beautiful. Love your thoughts that night holds more than darkness. Look up sometimes, right? My heart twists a bit reading your post knowing that in a handful of years I will not just sympathize but empathize. I so love that you have continued your art! Thank you, Charity.
Pearl, while I was writing this, a short conversation we had a few years ago, popped into my head. It was about kids and the changing seasons of motherhood. The time with our kids is so precious. And friendship with other moms is so special, too. Thanks for being a supportive friend.
Hi Charity,
This is beautiful, and really pulls at my heart… as I’ve already said that ‘goodbye’ to one very independent son and in the next three years will be doing the same with my two teenage girls.
You obviously are a wonderful mother who did her job as a mom of these two young men.
Matt is now a Dad and is struggling from a bad breakup with the mother of his 3 1/2 year little girl, my granddaughter Athena. My heart is hurting so much for him but I am constantly reminded to give him space and love.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Oh Joanne, that is so hard! It is so hard to watch our kids go through challenges. It seems our mother hearts just keep loving, as our kids move through the stages of life and we learn to love them through all kinds of circumstances. Thanks for sharing.
Ah, Charity! You totally choked me up with this one. Since our oldest graduated and went off to the Marines, I’ve really struggled with his absence. It’s hard adapting and accepting that he’s gone for an unknown length of time and will likely never be a consistent part of our household again. It would be easier for me if I knew he was happy in his current local. He’s not, and very homesick. But I’m praying God will use the experience to help him reach his aspirations, all the same. Thank you, as always, for sharing your heart!
Oh, my heart goes out to you. It’s so hard when our kids struggle, and when they’re away from home and struggling it adds a whole new layer. Sounds like we’re in a pretty similar place, with adjusting to our sons being away. I’m glad we’re not alone in this!
Beautiful Charity! The grief is real as we release our children to fly….and our nests have big holes in them….
Oh Charity, you’ve experienced the crossing of a bridge every mother must cross. I remember the first day of our daughter not being in her room when I popped in to deposit clean laundry. The empty room brought back a truth I’d put out of my mind. “She’s gone off to school.” I sat on the bed and had a good, long cry. For a person who naturally doesn’t like change, this was huge.
Let the mourning for a phase of life that has passed happen. The next phase is lovely as your relationship changes from parent and child to friends.
Nancy, thanks for sharing your story – it made me cry – and thanks for sharing the hope of this next season. I like the analogy of crossing a bridge. I love looking at the view while crossing a bridge, and there’s always something to look forward to on the other side.
Donna, I remember you going through this stage about the time I was starting my family. I’m thankful you were open with me at that time and gave me insight into a mother’s heart at this stage of letting go.
Reading this after spending time with you this past year gives me a better understanding of what you are feeling and experiencing. Thankyou for sharing your heart. The way forward is always the way ahead, yet sometimes it takes awhile to refocus. Praying you will be well prepared for your next adventure as a family.
Dad J.
I’m so glad we’re here and are able to spend time with you, Dad J. It’s such a special time. Thanks, as always, for being so supportive!
Hello Charity, It’s Jean here.
Long time no see! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. It is very meaningful for me today as David is preparing to go to university tomorrow to a town about 8 hours drive from us ( no airport) and my heart has been feeling so happy/sad/bittersweet today…. What a curious mixture of emotions I am feeling! And I should be a pro at this as Katherine is already 3 rd year university! But I am not. Every child is different and our relationship with them differs too. I’m actually surprised to be feeling so sad! I will still have 3 kids at home with me and yet I know that David, quiet and unassuming as he is, will leave a huge gap in our family from tomorrow! Oh Lord, Help!
The other weird thing is that I am really missing my mom today ( even though she has already been gone nearly 11 years! How I wish I could share my heart with her today too and pick her brains about how she coped all those years ago when we left her, one by one!)
sending much love and can empathise with you all to an extent,
jean
Oh Jean, the timing! I can imagine the mix of feelings you would have, reading this the day before David went to university. I hope his move went smoothly and that you are adjusting to the big change in your home. I also understand missing your mom. When I was feeling this grief my thoughts turned to my mom, too, in a strong way, knowing she could understand what I was going through. So sorry that your mom is no longer here and that you weren’t able to share with her. Thank you so much for sharing here. We’re blessed to hear your story and to connect through shared experiences of saying good-bye to our kids.