I’m not going to give you any gift ideas for my spouse – I don’t have enough to share.

Sure I have a bundle of ideas – but they’re for the kids, or things Brian can buy for me. I’ve tried shopping the top lists of things for men, but my husband’s pretty practical. He likes to save up for his electronic purchases, but other than that he doesn’t spend. 

It’s hard to find something he treasures. But there’s an exception, and it can’t be found on a store shelf. It’s the drawings I’ve done for him. They don’t cost money, beyond a few dollars in supplies, but they cost me time. I don’t just mean the time spent drawing a particular piece, I mean the time building skill, to get to the point where I can step back from a finished drawing and not be flooded with disappointment. 

Do you know that feeling? You have an idea burning inside of you, you mould it into being, step back to view your work, and then you grieve your inability. The natural response is to say, “I can’t do it,” and walk away, and I’ve done that. But for some reason inside of me is this burning desire to draw and paint beautifully, and even after failed attempts the desire doesn’t depart. At times a year or two goes by without me creating anything of significance but a friend asks, “Have you been drawing lately?” and the desire pulls me back to paper and pen. 

Yet fear looms. I can devote my life to developing my art but will it be any good? Will anyone appreciate it?

What if I become all I am and it’s still not enough?

I battle these questions with Brian by my side. He shows my art to a friend and his pride whispers that it’s important to him, not that I achieve, or prove myself, but that I become who I am meant to be. I throw myself into another, unrelated project and he’s supportive, but tells me not to give up on my art.

So, though countless times I’ve turned away, I keep coming back. And by drawing I have a gift, a product of perseverance, to give to Brian.

Or is it his gift to me?

(The photo features a drawing I did years ago, of Brian and our baby girl.)