As I look over my posts from the past, I see markers along my path. Some made bigger dents, and some extended beyond myself, to you.

I don’t know if it means these posts resonated more than others, but going by number of views, my top posts of 2017 were:

# 3. A Mother’s Choice

What mother doesn’t know the tension between getting a bit more work done, and spending time with her children? Rereading this post brought a tear to my eye, and again, I’m glad my daughter won the tug of war. Definitely one of my favourites.

# 2. My Hiding Place

Living in China can be chaotic and life in this world can induce panic. I work hard to make my home a safe place, but this story tells of circumstances beyond my control and an inquisitive Mr. I.

And #1. Dad Might Come

I joked to Brian I should start all my sketches with, “I confess,” then more people would read my blog. This post starts, “I confess, I’ve been nervous about sharing this post. So nervous it took me months to finish. I fear disappointing people…” 

I have a feeling I’m not the only one to carry this fear. I’m not the only one to worry that what I have is not enough. Don’t we all crave being able to show up, as we are, and be accepted?

Well, these are the top posts, by views, but there was another, more meaningful to me: Grandma’s Smile. This, and Just Like My Grandma, mark the passing of someone so special. She impacted me greatly during my formative years, and more than I realized during my adult years. 

Being in China during her passing and funeral, I processed differently. Writing was a huge part of my grieving process, and even now, looking back at these posts, I see evidence of how important my grandma was to me. She was kind and joyful, and she filled in me a need every child has – to be loved.

My grandma lived the creative life. She was always making something, and whenever we visited I was eager to see evidence of her creativity. This didn’t change. The last time I saw her, in the nursing home, she showed me drawings displayed on her wall. 

I see a part of myself in my grandma. I’ve always wanted to pursue art and, just like blogging, I’ve had many starts and stops. 

It’s fear that stops me. I hear voices in my head shaming me and I’m afraid that who I am isn’t enough. But lately, when these fears arise, I think of grandma. She never condemned. When I was with grandma, I could just be me.

“Every child is an artist.” Picasso said, “The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.”

Well, when I was with grandma, I always felt young. I didn’t think much about growing up, or the pressures of being grown up. Being with my grandma helped me, for that space of time, to let go.  And now, as I think of grandma, I let go of fear again. 

Somehow, with the mingling of my personal growth and grandma’s memory, I’m giving myself permission to develop as an artist. This change will be evidenced, in weeks and months to come, by me sharing more artwork, like my grandma shared her drawings with me.

When I look back at my 2017 posts, I see my grandma, I see my family, I see my home. I see my heart scrawled across the screen in these sketches.

I’m glad I’ve looked back. Now, when I look forward, my view is clearer. 2018. We’re a month in already, and I’m still filled with anticipation.

It’s not that this year will be perfect – I brought in the New Year with friends, but without my husband. He travelled while I was home with the kids – far from my ideal. But capturing moments through 2017 has given me a better way of dealing with life, a clearer way of seeing. I’m not so afraid. I’m learning to sift through the challenges and the mundane, to find the flecks of gold.

View my drawing, Hometown View, in my Gallery