As the river of 2018 sweeps me away, I grab a tree branch, and look back. The current of life moves faster every year and I don’t want my story to be just a blur. I want to remember. 

Looking back, I see years of tension, trying to find balance between family and my personal dreams. Over and over I tried to pursue writing or art, then threw myself in so far my family suffered. Over and over I gave up what I wanted, for the sake of my kids. 

I’m glad. My kids are so important to me. Helping them to develop into their own unique selves is my passion. And you can never turn back the time. While I willingly sacrifice for my kids, I also asked myself, “Can’t I integrate writing and art into my life and still meet my family’s needs?”

My answer came when I was invited to join a small online writer’s group, called Moms by Day, Writer’s By Night. I had just joined The Jerry Jenkins’ Writer’s Guild, (which I recommend to anyone pursuing writing). One of the members, Hulda Bennett, rounded up a few of us moms and I’m so grateful she did. Each of us had creativity burning inside. All of us wanted to learn how to balance family and our own dreams.

That was the beginning of 2016, and with this monumental step forward, I set a goal to write daily. By the end of the year, I was amazed – I had developed a habit of writing regularly, even with a few months of travel thrown in to test me. With the support of understanding friends, I’d accomplished something I’d been trying for years, on my own. 

Approaching 2017, I had a bit more confidence and a new goal – to post on my blog once a week. I was terrified to tell my group this goal. Terrified I would fail. 

Recently reaching the end of 2017, I celebrated another goal reached, but even more meaningful than that, I celebrate my writer’s group. 

They’ve taught me so much:

1. The goal is not perfection. 

Something held me back from pursuing my dreams for so long. It was fear I would make a mistake – that other people will see I’m less than they thought I was. When I did attempt writing or art, I threw myself all in, thinking overachievement would ward off failure. But it led me to fail myself. I wasn’t living what I valued. Understanding this, I’m learning to not throw my project out the window, but to set reasonable goals.

2. Being real invites support. 

At first I was afraid to open up when I couldn’t find balance, but I watched others do it and witnessed the encouragement they received. I wanted support too and I realized the best way to receive it is to let someone you trust know you need it. I learned to be open, even when it hurt. I’m stronger when I share my weakness, because I receive acceptance for who I am, even when I’ve dropped a ball or two.

3. What I do doesn’t equal who I am. 

While in the past I was terrified that if I made a mistake I would be exposed as a fraud, and the people in my life wouldn’t accept me, I’m learning people don’t want a performance, they want connection, and it’s our vulnerability that invites friendship.

The reward of saying, “I don’t have it all together,” is the support of a good friend. 

When I set out to write, years ago, I set out to accomplish. But my accomplishments – small, but meaningful to me, pail in the face of what I’ve gained. Looking back, I see I have so much to celebrate, like my friends and family, who are helping me let go of perfectionism and develop myself. I celebrate that I’m learning to take a risk and tell a friend when I fail.

I’m also learning to scale back my project when it threatens to swallow up my other priorities. It’s easier now, because I’m learning that my value doesn’t come from my accomplishments. And there’s a much richer way of living life, than letting on that I never make mistakes.

 When I step out and take a risk I’m often rewarded with encouragement, and my circle of support grows stronger, equipping me to take the next risk. 

So, I let go of the branch and let myself be pulled down the river again. As I do, I’m filled with thankfulness to you, my readers, my writer’s group, and my family, for teaching me to let go of practices that limit me and helping me to swim toward truth, love, authenticity, and creativity.  

photo by <irkengirdib> at morguefile.com